6 Red Flags When Buying Bourbon
6 Red Flags When Buying Bourbon
Bourbon hunting can be a blast, but man, there’s a lotta junk out there trying to pass itself off as the good stuff. I’ve been burned more than once chasing a “deal” that turned out to taste like regret in a bottle. Here’s the six red flags I wish somebody had tattooed on my forehead years ago – ignore these at your own risk, fellas.
1. Price Way Too Good to Be True
If you see a bottle of something that’s supposed to cost $80 going for $25 at some sketchy gas station or random website, run. Nine times outta ten it’s either fake, watered down, or been sitting in somebody’s hot garage since Obama was president. I once grabbed a “bargain” Pappy” for half price on Craigslist… ended up pouring paint thinner that stripped the finish off my bar. Lesson learned the hard way.
2. No Age Statement Whatsoever
Back in the day, real bourbon proudly told you how long it slept in the barrel. Now half the bottles just say “straight bourbon” and nothin else. That usually means it’s young, harsh, and they’re ashamed to admit it’s barely legal drinking age (4 years). Good stuff ain’t afraid to brag about its age – kinda like us.
3. “Flavored” or “Infused” on the Label
If it says honey, cinnamon, fireball, or any of that nonsense, keep walking. You’re buying bourbon, not dessert topping. Real bourbon gets its flavor from the barrel, not some lab in New Jersey. Once you go down the flavored road, there’s no coming back – your taste buds get ruined forever.
4. Plastic Bottle Instead of Glass
Any bourbon worth drinking comes in glass, period. Plastic lets air in, light in, and makes the whiskey taste like the inside of a storage unit after ten years. If they cheaped out on the bottle, imagine what they did to the juice inside. I don’t care if it’s got a cool camouflage label – plastic = trash.
5. Dustless “Limited Edition” Bottles
You walk into a store and see ten bottles of some “super rare” release sitting pretty with zero dust on top? Yeah, that ain’t rare – that’s marketing BS. Real allocated bourbon flies off the shelf and the bottles that do stick around get a nice gray sweater of dust. Clean tops mean they printed 100,000 of them and are just playing games.
6. Says “Blended” Instead of “Straight” Bourbon
If the label says “blended whiskey” or “bourbon blend” or some other slick wording, it’s probably mostly cheap neutral grain spirit with a splash of real bourbon for color. Straight bourbon has rules – blended don’t. It’s the difference between a ribeye and a McDonald’s hamburger helper. Don’t fall for the pretty bottle and lower price tag.
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